Brag

I woke up this morning, after eight solid hours of sleep, with a headache and the f-bomb on my lips. It was dark, and I was already mad at the world. Dunno why. I could NOT talk myself out of it.

Drive to work. Change clothes. Still mad. Out to trail.


I hate this. I'm just gonna hurt myself. It's cold. Why couldn't I be happy just walking every morning? Look at those normal people, walking, and laughing, while I'm sweating my ass off over here. Of course, the trail is practically empty. It's cold. Normal people are eating a nice breakfast, reading the paper. Which you gave up, in order to run. Me, a journalist, gave up READING THE PAPER. Just brilliant.

I look like a bag lady in these ghetto clothes. I have to buy some cool running clothes!! Have to! Except I hate running, so I shouldn't spend the money. Plus, I suck at this.

Whatever you do, do NOT look at your watch!! Don't do it!! You'll just get depressed.

OK, one mile down.

Try thinking of the nice warm shower you are going to take after this. It's only three miles! and one of them is downhill! You're almost there. God, why didn't I take up biking! Look at those guys coasting by. Bastards. I hate everyone. Yeah, nice warm shower. Except the locker room is like 15 degrees. So hot shower, then you freeze to death. More brillance.

Oh, now I'm running past the autobody shop. God, the fumes! Those people are RUINING the environment! I hate that place! I hate cars. Look at all those trucks pulling out onto the road, carrying vats of tar on the back so they can build more roads and ruin the planet some more. Did you read that article about ashphalt and runoff and the contamination of the Cheasapeake Bay? Yeah, it all starts right here. I am going to DIE from these fumes.

Oh great. Now I smell McDonald's. I'm like a mile away from here, and all I can smell is the grease. It's disgusting. It smells rancid. I hate everyone and everything.

Try composing that memo you have to write. You've got the first line ... s**t!!! I can't remember that opening line. And it was really, really good. That's just great.

Ok, you are so almost done. Only a half mile. Look, you are actually passsing someone. I don't want to feel good about that. That poor woman. That was you, like last week!! I don't want to feel good about passing her! She is doing her best, god bless her.

OK you passed her.

Only 1/2 mile left. No problem. I hate this part. I hate this sport! This is a piece of cake. You are so almost done. God, this is taking forever. Oh man, do I have to smell rancid McDonald's again?

Look, a runner smiled at you. You're almost there. Pour it on and get this the hell over with.

Finally. Finished. Ok, now you can check your watch.


10:11
10:25
10:18 Total 30:56 Average: 10:18/mile

Wait. That cannot possibly be right. But it is.

Tee, hee. That's amazing. Really. Maybe being mad makes you go faster.

OK, maybe—just maybe!— you can run three miles, but there is NO WAY you can run TWICE that. That is so not gonna happen. I am hot. And now I am cold. Now I have to stretch ... I hate stretching ....

etc.


Feel sorry for my colleagues today.