Friday, July 29, 2005

The Poop, the Whole Poop, and Nothing But the Poop

It's Friday. So you all know what that means.

It means my stomach is twirled up inside of itself like tomorrow is, oh, I dunno, my wedding day, or the day I sit for the bar exam, or perform my first brain surgery.

What tomorrow really holds, of course, is nothing more than a short eight-mile run, after last Saturday's 16-miler, and per usual (god I love italics), I'm a total, nervous wreck about it (see above similes).

But 'nuff said about that, because I've run out of ways to describe freaking out.

So I thought I'd introduce a new topic: All About Poop.

The problem: Wake up early Saturday morning, jump around, eat a little something, drink lots of water (not a big coffee drinker these days), and um, that little business doesn't seem to want to happen.

Until.

Until I'm in the car, oh, 15 minutes from the running site.

Until I get to the running site. By which time it has gone away.

But where I then have to force myself to go to the nearby Safeway, where they let us use the single grody bathroom.

Where I know there are 10 people waiting in line for said bathroom.

And where, knowing that 10 people are waiting, peristalsis knows it too, and just stops dead.

So nothing happens.

Until about 10 minutes into the run when all of a sudden ... well, you don't want me to paint you a picture, do you? The hunt is on for a porta-pottie.

Last week I successfully forestalled this problem by following mom's advice and eating lots and lots of roughage! And it worked!

Today I am trying for a repeat performance: veggie sub for lunch, brown rice and veggies for dinner, eighteen gallons of water, (and, oh yeah, a mars bar after lunch, but only because I was stuck in a dark training room with someone babbling on and on about CSS, and it was right there free for the eating), plus about eight oatmeal cookies after dinner.

(This from the girl who gave up sugar. But I digress.)

If that ain't enough roughage, I don't know what is.

Point being, I am doing everything I can do except standing on my head (which would no doubt make it even more difficult) to make this thing happen before tomorrow's run. Because, people, I am on a Schedule, and this thing is just not cooperating.

So I thought I'd shed a little light on the subject, bring it out into the open, so to speak, where it can be faced and conquered.

After all, if Michael Stipe can sing about it, why can't I write about it?

      But me.

18 comments:

Stephanie said...

Jeanne,
I love you for discussing this topic on your blog. It's something many of us (I think)face on Saturday mornings. I have definately been in the same boat, except I don't have a group waiting for me, so there have been Saturdays when it's caused me to get a later start.

jeanne said...

Well, let's hope you're one of many~! I'm thinking most people will read this and, um, run away!

Lara said...

Having a little bit of coffee or caffeinated tea in the AM might be the little extra "push" you need. Good luck getting things scheduled properly ;) and enjoy your short 8 miler!

Sarah said...

I second Lara's suggestion with the coffee/tea...I'm almost always, ummm... "successful" about half-way through my cup of coffee. Also, I have about 1teaspoon of *ground* flax seed everyday in my yogurt. Seems to keep me on schedule :-)

Hope today's run starts with a *bang*!

o said...

Ah, a favorite topic of mine. By far, the least pleasant part of running for me.

I've had numerous incidents with "eric" through the years. I've gotten pretty good in dealing with it before my morning runs but sometimes don't have time to wait it out and just have to start running.

In the first few minutes I can tell if I'm gonna have a problem. Then there is an akward period of waiting for everything to be ready.

That shifts into a phase where I think I probably should take care of it but I might be able to make it home--if a convenient, discrete opportunity pops up, I'm ready & willing to take advantage of it.

Finally, I'm frantically looking for anyplace where I'm able to unload and maintain some sense of decency. It is surprising the places you can go when you really have to go.

Good luck & hope you are able to find out what works for you...

jeanne said...

eric? you guys are hysterical. I'll try the tea thing. Let's just say this morning's run was a, um, non-starter. Well, the run was fine, but "eric" (??) was recalcitrant ... the whole way!

David said...

I am happy to say I cannot comment since the problem is never one I face. I can empathize though. What a pain in the .... Why did I get the good waste management system? Who knows.

jeanne said...

David, some people are just born lucky. Accept it! :)

a.maria said...

OMG i can so relate. i totally have an inner dialog of do i need to? can i? do i have time to wait it out?

pre-run saturday mornings are such a hoot!

Susan said...

We must have the same insides:) But I start thinking about it Thursday!

BigRedYamaha said...

I've been thinking about this as I train for my first marathon. I hope they have porty potties out there on the race course.

21st Century Mom said...

This was a huge worry for me Sunday before my marathon (yes - I AM going to write about it) but it ended up being a non-problem. bigredyamaha there are tons of porta-potties at the start line but everyone who is running has to unhydrate from the h20/gatorade quaffing they did the day before so the lines are long. Get there at least 30 minutes before the start.

Erin said...

LOL! That problem drove me crazy almost every Saturday. Unfortunately, I am not a coffee person so that was never an option. However, eventually I was able to get on a "schedule". I forced myself up about 15 minutes earlier than I wanted in order to "get the ball rolling". If it didn't happen by the time I was almost ready to leave for the park, it was almost always ready by the time I got to Starbucks (about 3 miles into my run). What was great about that is the fact that Starbucks opens at the ass crack of dawn, their bathroom is SUPER nice, & there's never a wait. :)

jeanne said...

Wow, Erin, you run by a Starbucks!!! How cool is that! I'd be tempted to do my duty, and then sit down for a latte.

The Big Cheese said...

Ahh yes. One of my favorite topics, poop. Funny post. My experience has shown that women do not go to the bathroom. Sorry.


PS. If this is not accurate information...DON'T let me know. While Pooping is something I really enjoy, it is not a passion I want to share with a lady friend. I have said to much.

Erin said...

LOL. I think it's a law in Houston that there must be a starbucks at least every 3 miles. Hell, there's even a Starbucks across the street from another Starbucks here! You could run, drink a latte, run to the next Starbucks, poop, then run some more. :)

Bex said...

Haaa! Love this post. I usually get up on Saturday mornings with just enough time to splash water on my face, brush my teeth, and pull my running gear on before scampering to the car to meet my running group.

So that means maybe a sip of water if I'm lucky. No breakfast. No coffee. And no you know what.

That all happens afterwards.

Becker said...

I find this amazing. I never thought of it causing such a problem before and it's made me think. I used to get up every Sat morning and cycle to meet the group then cycle to the coffee shop and cycle back home all told the distance was 80kays. The first 15 was done with my eyes closed still waking up then the group ride which was always done at warp speed until I was about half way home at which point I'd die and crawl the remainder of the 7kay home.

The thing is I can't remember it ever being a problem I must be one of the lucky ones I guess or maybe cause runners are standing up gravity plays more of a part on their inner workings??