Saturday, July 09, 2005

...And the Agony of Defeat

(It was very tempting to write DaFeet, but I successfully resisted using hackneyed cliche!)

So today I "ran" 14 miles. And the quotes are on purpose, because I'm not happy about it.

I wasn't that worried about today's 14 miles, since I was pretty happy with my 12 mile run two weeks ago, and thrilled with my fantastic 5k on the 4th of July. I had also convinced myself to stop worrying about time on my long runs.

Oh, I so stopped worrying about time. And time stopped worrying about me. Or maybe just stopped ... because I "ran" my 14 miles in ... 3 hours and 48 minutes ... sigh... And David, oh I so hope you are right, that I really am fast, but just don't realize it yet?? I am hanging on to that thought.

At the end, a 50ish, 6-time marathoner asked me if I felt proud of myself, and I said, well, not really ...

When I got home, moaning and bitching about my terrible run, Number One Daughter told me that I am "psycho" about the "whole time thing." She actually said, "You do realize you just ran 14 miles, right?"

Yeah, sorta.

So, to make a long story short, I had to take two bathroom breaks within the first 3 miles ... so once more, our group left us in the dust... Then, Divine convinced me not to stop my watch everytime I stopped running because, as she so cogently noted, when you're running the marathon, your shoe chip doesn't stop just because you have to pee...

So, according to the pace calculator, I ran something like a 17+ minute mile... except, I know I can walk faster than that, for Pete's sake.

After getting off to slow start, and having a 2 min walk every 3 minutes (we changed to a slower pace group with a 3:2 ratio), I dunno, I just sort of lost any drive to even think about pushing myself. So we ran easy. Like really really easy. We stuck to the schedule pretty well right up to the turn around. (Gorgeous Capital Crescent Trail again.) Tons of "Team in Training" folks ran past us, and they were all running together and looked so happy and charged up! I was jealous! Even though Divine and I were laughing ourselves silly during most of our run.

I'd say around mile eight I started getting a little wiggly in my running, signalling brain not functioning so well. So, ate more gu, drank more gatorade. Then knee started hurting. Toes had been banging up against shoe for the entire run (this is a new thing: I wore different socks, and I think they gave my toes less room), so now feet were bothering me. Back started hurting a bit (this is also new, and scary, since I almost had back surgery two years ago and could barely walk for months on end, and I pretty much live in fear of a repeat episode. Yeah, I'm not supposed to run at all..)

So maybe around mile 9 was where I just totally lost my motivation... Ugh, bad feeling. I actually asked Divine to walk thru some runs with me. ... again thinking "time does not matter."

But guess what? Time so totally matters to me!!! I don't care about being fast, but I don't want to be dragging my butt, doing an 8-hour marathon...

I honestly don't know what happened today. I've been going thru the litany all day long: Did I not eat right last week? Did my two fast runs during the week do me in? Did I not sleep enough, not drink enough water? Was it because of the whole watch/don't time yourself thing? Do I need to time myself to motivate myself?

When I run well, I have no idea why, and when I run poorly, ditto. It's so damn frustrating...

I got home with numerous aches and pains, took a cold bath as advised (new torture device), and then took to my bed like a Victorian lady with the vapours.

There was, ladies and gents, no joy in Mudville today. Like the mighty Casey, I just struck out.


a.maria said...

well...we've all been there. some days you got it, some days you dont, but i'm with you on not having a clue what makes the difference. as far as timing yourself... i'm kinda guilty of the same thing. i stop my watch at the water breaks, b/c i feel like my pace shouldnt be taking into account the minute or two i'm drinking water/gu-ing up. although, i do feel like at some point i gotta stop that.

anyway, dont beat yourself up too much... its all a part of training, so just let it be your motivation to do better next time!!... either way, you did just run 14 miles. thats a feat in and of itself!

Susan said...

If not for the bad days, the good days would seem blah, right? Anyway, that profundity aside, try to relax. Mark the Blogfather has told me many times: the speed will come. I had a hard time getting past the desire to be fast. But it's coming little by little....keep on keeping on. You just ran 14 miles-wish I could!!

Stephanie said...

Hey, Jeanne, remember when I was going through that bad streak last week and didn't push myself and felt really blah? Well it was stinky, but I think normal. Ans so I'm going to tell you that you feeling not 100 percent about this run is also normal. You are absolutely on track though. And YOU RAN 14 MILES! Seriously, do you know how insanely impressive that sounds to 80/90 percent of the population? I also like to think when it comes to the Marathon, we will all be so jazzed up, we will exceed even our own expectations.

Liz said...

You rock! You did 14 miles today! Don't let this one bad run ruin all of last weeks awesome run! Hang in there!!! Listen to NOD!!! :) She seems to know what she is talking about!

OuluRock said...

Hey, dont get too down on yourself--you did run 14 miles. How hot out was it? The heat can really make things tough. But look at what you did--ran 8 miles, lost your motivation but still ran 6 MORE miles. Great job!!!

jeanne said...

You are all so GREAT!!! I swear to god, I couldn't (and wouldn't) keep doing this without all this support from people I don't know and have never even met!

Oulurock: what you said. yeah. YEAH!
Liz: NOD generally has more sense than her mother.
Steph: thanks for the reminder that this is Normal! N-o-r-m-a-l!!!
Susan: You (and the blogfather) are wisdom personified.
A.Maria: You are so cool. Just so cool!