Fear and Awakening

First, good luck to Jon and a. maria in their marathons this weekend! I'm on the edge of my freakin' seat, waiting, and sending good thoughts their way. It's so funny, how before I embarked on this little journey, I was pretty much oblivious to marathon-ing. Even when it happened in front of my face. Like when I lived in Richmond? The Richmond marathon used to go right by my front door. I paid it no attention. Because not in my wildest dreams could I relate to those people running.

Ain't life funny.

Enough of that, let's get back to me.

First, I forgot to report that I not only ran two miles on Tuesday, with much trepidation, but on Thursday I ran three (slow) miles, no walking! But forget about no walking, the bigger triumph was over the fear of running.

Fear is a such an insidious thing. It creeps up on you. It holds you back. It creates a cycle of endless worry and anxiety. All of which feeds into your physical well-being. Fear is what I've been trying to beat back for the past few weeks, along with actual, real pain.

But last week, PT#2 told me that the only way to beat the fear of running was to get out there and do it. And that's apparently what I needed to hear in order for me to get out there and do it.

So here's today's eight-mile (my last with the training group) run recap:

It was spectacular. It was raining. It was beautiful. It was cold.

I ran. My leg did not hurt. I did not limp.

We ran our fastest eight miles to date (1:46; a 13:15 min. pace) (remember, it's run/walk, so yeah slow, but fast!). We ran a new route, the Haines Point loop:

Haines Point, D.C., in warmer days


past this statue, called "The Awakening:"


Which was quite apropos.

Because finally, by our final training run, I now have my very own group. Which means I have come a long way from here. Which means I have accepted the once strangers who are in my group, and who, though they may never be my close friends, I have actually come to enjoy and care about.

Because today I started out accidentally running with someone with whom I haven't run in a long while, and who, within the first mile or so, started making snide remarks about my injury, and my need to go fast, which is laughable, really, and who was just being generally negative.

Because today I left negativity behind.

Because today, instead of worrying and agonizing about this person's feelings, I did what I needed to do, which was was to just run.

Because today, I just left! No good-byes. No guilt. No anger (OK, a little anger, more like befuddlement though, mixed with confusion and defensiveness). With no pace group in sight, I just left, thinking I'd run the next seven miles by myself.

Because I just left.

I ran and ran and ran until I caught up with my group. And then I had one of the best runs of my nascent career.

Because I'm not afraid anymore.