Saturday, October 22, 2005

Fear and Awakening

First, good luck to Jon and a. maria in their marathons this weekend! I'm on the edge of my freakin' seat, waiting, and sending good thoughts their way. It's so funny, how before I embarked on this little journey, I was pretty much oblivious to marathon-ing. Even when it happened in front of my face. Like when I lived in Richmond? The Richmond marathon used to go right by my front door. I paid it no attention. Because not in my wildest dreams could I relate to those people running.

Ain't life funny.

Enough of that, let's get back to me.

First, I forgot to report that I not only ran two miles on Tuesday, with much trepidation, but on Thursday I ran three (slow) miles, no walking! But forget about no walking, the bigger triumph was over the fear of running.

Fear is a such an insidious thing. It creeps up on you. It holds you back. It creates a cycle of endless worry and anxiety. All of which feeds into your physical well-being. Fear is what I've been trying to beat back for the past few weeks, along with actual, real pain.

But last week, PT#2 told me that the only way to beat the fear of running was to get out there and do it. And that's apparently what I needed to hear in order for me to get out there and do it.

So here's today's eight-mile (my last with the training group) run recap:

It was spectacular. It was raining. It was beautiful. It was cold.

I ran. My leg did not hurt. I did not limp.

We ran our fastest eight miles to date (1:46; a 13:15 min. pace) (remember, it's run/walk, so yeah slow, but fast!). We ran a new route, the Haines Point loop:

Haines Point, D.C., in warmer days


past this statue, called "The Awakening:"


Which was quite apropos.

Because finally, by our final training run, I now have my very own group. Which means I have come a long way from here. Which means I have accepted the once strangers who are in my group, and who, though they may never be my close friends, I have actually come to enjoy and care about.

Because today I started out accidentally running with someone with whom I haven't run in a long while, and who, within the first mile or so, started making snide remarks about my injury, and my need to go fast, which is laughable, really, and who was just being generally negative.

Because today I left negativity behind.

Because today, instead of worrying and agonizing about this person's feelings, I did what I needed to do, which was was to just run.

Because today, I just left! No good-byes. No guilt. No anger (OK, a little anger, more like befuddlement though, mixed with confusion and defensiveness). With no pace group in sight, I just left, thinking I'd run the next seven miles by myself.

Because I just left.

I ran and ran and ran until I caught up with my group. And then I had one of the best runs of my nascent career.

Because I'm not afraid anymore.

16 comments:

susie said...

Fear does strange things to us, doesn't it? That's why I keep that magnet on my fridge: Do one thing everyday that scares you. Because once you get past that, you know that you can do anything. Good run. You are so ready to run next weekend! We can't wait to read *your* report!

plods said...

You will do great!!

Danny said...

Awesome post!!

21st Century Mom said...

Yeah for Jeanne!!!!

Now please go get some of those seaweed slides (and do NOT give them away!!) because your fleet feet deserve them!

Noames said...

yay jeanne! why do we let others bring us down? rock on.

taskette said...

Love the pictures. You'll do great in your marathon! You'lll have to let us know how everything goes!

Lara said...

Wow! Sounds like your training really is complete now!! I am so excited for you!!

David said...

I hear a grasshopper meditating in synchronocity with your running center..... ommmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Good luck and great fun next weekend!

Bex said...

I'm going to start calling you Serene Jeanne. Great post!

The Running Red Sox Fan said...

Fantastic post! Leaving "it", what ever "it" may be, behind you, only makes you stronger. Physically and mentally.
You can now cross that fear off your list. Mission accomplished!

OuluRock said...

great post...best of luck on sunday...i'll be thinking of you...really have enjoyed reading your ups & downs for the last 5 months...you'll do awesome--you've already done awesome. look forward to the wrap-up. :) :) :)

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for the last few months, in awe and inspired.

You're going to ROCK this marathon, woman. and dozens, if not hundreds, of folks are silently rooting for you.

a.maria said...

i thought of you exactly 4 times on my run sunday, and you, unknowingly, helped me thru some seriously rought spots. your courage and strength and determination are so inspiring, and i'm so happy for you that you've come thru to the other side of the fear. you are so ready for this M'thon. i can't wait!

Nic said...

Just stopped by after reading a.maria's blog. I was supposed to run Marine Corps this year but moved to San Francisco, so I just ran the Nike 'thon out here. Your pictures and posts are making me miss DC a little bit. :)

ENJOY the race! And say hello to the Rock Creek Parkway for me. It was definitely my most favorite stomping ground!

anxiety said...

Fear and stress go hand in hand. Thanks for the blog and take a look or should I say, try the free MP3 subliminal at www.innertalk.com/mp3.html#free because it really works for me.

letting go said...

Forgiving, letting go--releasing fear and so on can be so difficult and yet so easy if the mind just attends to a little re-training. There are some free subliminal and hypnosis programs for these issues at www.innertalk.com and they helped me.