Fear

"We are all nervous to try because we are all afraid we might fail."

I wrote these very words last week in an e-mail to a friend; I was trying to diagnose her stuck-ness. (In my other career apparently I'm a psychiatrist.) And, being extremely well acquainted with stuck-ness, and all 'round aimlessness, and its cousins procrastination and insecurity, I took a wild-ass guess at what might be lurking behind the scenes: Fear.

It's the thing we're all afraid of!

Is the whole world wandering around in a state of fear?

How did we get like this?? OK, how did I get like this?

And what exactly am I afraid of?

The usual things, I guess. Success. Failure. Pain. Ridicule. Not measuring up. Conflict.

But it all boils down to rejection. I'm afraid that I'm not lovable. Period. END OF STORY.

Which is kind of stupid (also afraid of looking stupid).

Because really.

Most people are kind. Most people are not out to get other people, right? (RIGHT??!) Most people are too busy worrying about their own insecurities. It helps to remember this. It helps me remember that the important part of life is (to paraphrase St. Francis) not so much making sure you are loved, as making sure you remember to love.

Sigh. St. Francis. I know where to set the bar!

Some of you know I have HAD a little problem with anxiety, for which I take this:
Klonopin

I've spent my life being afraid, but I have also spent my life doing things in spite of my fears. It's a bold and brave way to live. It's really the only way to live.

I'm faced with some new things at the moment, and they are kind of scary. I find myself thinking more often about my own and others' mortality. I figure, if I'm lucky (or unlucky, depends on your perspective), maybe I have another 40 years here on earth. And I don't intend to spend them living in fear.

So, I'm tapering off Klonopin. I've been doing this for months, and I can tell you it's no picnic. After I decided to quit, I learned that Klonopin is highly addictive. So, yes, it turns out I'm an addict.

I'm experiencing, and have been experiencing, a lot of side effects from tapering, including racing thoughts, insomnia, impaired vision, obsessions, and this weird-ass thing where I can't quite feel my legs when I run—I think they call it depersonalization? I dunno. I also often feel like I'm looking at myself as an observer (don't I sound fun to be with??!)

(I'll add the usual disclaimer here that I am not suggesting that I have any idea what is right for anyone else when it comes to psychotropic drugs. I don't.)

I'm ready to experience the discomfort of fear and anxiety full-on. I know I'm a stronger person now, a much happier person now, than I was when I started taking this stuff.

All I can tell you is that this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. But, on the up side, I'm confident I can get through it, and I'm willing to take the time I need to get through it.

I'm ready to face life without a shield.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Try One Thing Every Day That Scares You

Well said my good and trusty friends!

I (metaphorically) threw away the watch this week, even before I read all your good advice. I ran three miles on Wednesday and Friday morning, before work, sans watch. Ya can't fret about time when you have no idea what your time is. Tomorrow is an eight-miler and I'm pretty sure I'll be doing that watch-free, too, and like all my long runs, I'll do it sans iPod. Just me and my God, who might make another appearance, since the temps are expected to be high 90s. Good times.

I'm still pretty nervous about running, though. But I know that if you do the thing you fear often enough, the fear dissipates. So that's the plan. Just keep running.

Meanwhile, tomorrow is a big day for a few reasons.

First, someone very special is giving me one of these:


That's right! Ask and ye shall receive! I'M GETTING A BIKE! Susie swears she doesn't want it and is GIVING IT TO ME. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about this. Soon I'll be talking about watts and flats, and all that other jazz. Now all I need to do is learn how to swim. Oh yeah, and run.

And speaking of triathletes, I'll be (sorta) live blogging it over at a.j.'s site this weekend. A.J. is a spectator extraordinaire at Ironman Wisconsin (also known as IMMOO, don't worry, my first job is to find out why it's called that, other than the obvious cow thing), and there are all kinds of meetups and shenanigans planned for the spectators. The plan is for a.j. to call me or text me and I'll do my best to impersonate her over there. Which if I'm going to do it up right, should involve drinking, trying lots of cute hairstyles, and telling funny stories about men. In between working out like a maniac. So, I'm pretty much screwed. (Updates will also be posted on the IM Wisconsin 2007 site, here.)


SHOUTOUT: To my very special peep and bestest friend, Mark, the running blogfather, who is running the Regina, Saskatchewan (that's somewhere in Canada) Marathon on Sunday. Good luck to Mark! And to all the IM Wisconsin folks, too!