Tuesday, May 05, 2009

The Dating Game*

Circa 1970

Ah, back then life was simple. And all you had to do to get a date was be a big pop star and go on TV and ask a bunch of questions of guys you've never met...hey, wait a minute!

See Match.com.

A few posts ago, I promised you an update on my life LOVE life.

First, let's review:

A while ago, I signed up for match.com and this happened.

A while after that, I signed up for e-harmony and that happened.

And then? I gave up.

But a girl gets...lonely. And dreamy. And whachagonna do? I signed up yet AGAIN for match.com.

But ... believe it or not... I got no response. Zero. Crickets. Moths.

Knowing FULL well there was NO WAY this could be due to MOI ... I turned to the one person who is my resident expert on... well, just about everything: fashion, wine (that would be her every other post), closet-organizing, rolling, and of course, men: Runner Susan. I begged her to examine my match profile and to BE BRUTAL. (Not that I was desperate. But still.)

She did not disappoint.

Here's what she said (I am NOT making this up):

Have you ever watched matchmaker millionaire? [Ed's note: Sadly, I have.] All men are pigs. Even the smart ones. And no matter who they are, how much money they have, how cute or how sophisticated they are - men want boobs and legs. And, OMG Jeanne, you got all the right assets we just gotta work it into a picture without making you look like a whore. That's one of my best talents.
Can I just say here that I ADORE Runner Susan???

Wait, there's more!
Also, men are really going to be intimidated by your intelligence. You list of achievements is gonna make any man feel under-accomplished. They say they want the smarts, but that is not what they look at first. Boobs. You got 'em, lets work them. Don't take this the wrong way, but the first thing Michael said was when I showed him your picture was "I love her face, but does she have boobs?". It's a sad, sad thing - but give the men what they want then you can reel them all in and weed out the bad ones. Because even the good ones want boobs. I totally sound like a prostitute. I swear, I'm not.

Also, I was a bit surprised to see Sarcasm on your turn-offs. Jeanne and sarcasm are like PB & J sandwiches. And you might want to rethink erotica and flirting as turn-offs. I know what you are thinking, but some men may see it as someone who never ever wants to have sex. And everyone wants sex. Everyone. And all the time. I don't make up the rules, it's just a fact of life.
Who am I to argue??! Clearly I am a rank amateur when it comes to these matters.

So I hunkered down and tweaked my profile. I removed my college degrees (why not, it's an experiment people!), and I took off any mention whatsoever of sarcasm, flirting and erotica. (For the three of you have yet to experience the joys of match.com, the way it works is you get a pre-defined list of "turn-ons" and "turn-offs"; you can check the box under "turn-on" or "turn-off" or "no opinion". If you check no opinion, that item doesn't appear.)

I didn't have time to go get a boob shot (I have my limits).

I hit publish.

The next day?

FIVE E-MAILS. Like, from real guys.


FIVE! Coincidence??? I think not!


So, after a bit of e-mailing and phone calls, I winnowed it down to three guys—one of whom grew up one block from me in New Haven. What are the chances??!

All three are into either running, biking, or swimming or some combination.

And tonight I screwed (careful) up my courage and had my VERY FIRST MATCH.COM meetup. We met at a local pub, chatted, blah blah, etc. No sparks, but I got the first one out of the way. It's possible I had a drink. Or two. Which may or may not have been a good idea. Still, I was on my best behavior; I followed all my friends' advice: Be yourself (only not too much); don't tell him you FB-stalked him; don't talk too much; don't interrogate him; don't talk too little, etc.

$%#!@ It's worse than a freakin' job interview! Which is of course, pretty much what it is.

Guy #2 is set for Saturday. Of course I've found all of them on facebook, and googled them and know more about them than they know about themselves. (People, you should really protect your online info. Just sayin'.)

These three guys are all my age or older, so of course are looking for 35-year-olds. This should be interesting.

Huge shout-out to RS for saving my love life.

She just might have to officiate at the wedding.

*Currently accepting applications.


Neal Carlton said...

WAHAHAHA! Classic, Jeanne.

Tammy said...

Excellent! I might consider hiring RS myself ;)

21stCenturyMom said...

That is fabulous. Fabulous!

All I can think of is that I have no boobs so what will RS do with THAT? Something - I hope. Something.

The fact that you didn't feel compelled to detail the date says it must not have been too awful and in match.com not too awful = bonus!

ps - your effing blog hates me again!!

Kelly said...

Man I'm so glad you finally posted this. LOVE it. Granted, it took me forever to read cause I'm also watching Biggest Loser.

Well... speaking as someone who met their soon-to-be live-in boyfriend online, when you meet the right guy, it WON'T feel like a job interview!

Good luck!!!

LBTEPA said...

How can you not like flirting? I reckon secretly you do, just not with horrid sleazoids.

Rhea said...

Most excellent post and kudos to Runner Susan for making you more lustworthy online. :-)

Petraruns said...

You are the best. And RunnerSusan is spot-on! My husband would agree - all men are dogs (his words) and they all like boobs and sex. You really should get one of these men-things you know? They're great.......

Your blog is becoming a real compulsion. I'm going to be checking my feedreader each day...

IHateToast said...

you don't like sarcasm? snick.

rs should run a consulting thing for this stuff. i'm forwarding this on to a friend who used to work at match.

no sarcasm. ha ha ha!

Runner Susan said...

I am an ordained minister. Sadly. Believe it or not. Just saying.

Thomas said...

Still trying to stop giggling out loud (I'm supposed to be working, you know).

Keep us updated but beware, your match.com candidates might have found your blog just you found their FB pages (men are dumb, but even dumb people can google).

ShirleyPerly said...

Ha, I am SO glad Match.com was not around when I was single as I would have totally FAILED getting any replies. Geek with no boobs, yep, that's me.

OTOH, that's how my sis found her hubby (thanks to her enhancements?). Good luck with your other meet-ups!!

Calyx Meredith said...

Runner Susan sounds like a total gem. Good luck with the man behind door #2!!

Lulu said...

Oh, this is hilarious. And so true! I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for Millionnaire Matchmaker (and RS).

Jon (was) in Michigan said...

I wish I had a dollar for every time Susan typed the word "boobs". :)

sevansphoto said...

Karen really worked it in that yellow pantsuit. And I think Runner Sue would approve of the ruffles which divert attention away from the face to the girlie zone. Get yourself to a vintage clothes store before the next date.

iJuls said...

WONDERFUL. RS is honest and knows her stuff. I can't wait to read more.

Of course, I am so behind on my blog reading that you may have done so already.


Dori said...

Whatever happened to getting drunk and picking up a guy at a bar? ;-)

Ads by Google posted an ad with pictures of Chinese girls at the end of your post.

Glad you're dating; seems like a strange way to find someone, but I know at least two married couples who met that way.

David said...

So who did Miss Carpenter pick? I am so disappointed. That was must-see TV back in the day.
RS may spin pearls of wisdom but not all men are locked on to big boobs. We really love sarcastic personality types who can out-think us.

jeanne said...

oh david. you're just unique. a man among men.

Runner Susan said...

Jeanne. You don't believe him, do you? He is lying. Just look at him.

Rebecca said...

wait!? so who did Karen choose? i was on the edge of my seat waiting for the answer.

excellent post btw, i've been waiting to hear this story since you first teased us with it. and can't wait to hear more!

Vickie said...

LOL! Good luck on your venture! I keep saying it, you're braver than me!

Fe-lady said...

Pikes Peak is a destination and lifetime achievement race! Not so crazy! Make it a goal! :-)

And meet some interesting men!

Best of luck on the dating thing...I am in my mid-50s and if I was single I would be an old cat lady instead. You are brave to even venture out! :-)

Sunshine said...

Good luck!!
Hope you can continue to enjoy the journey.

Rainmaker said...

Officially one of your most hilarious posts...evah!

Judi said...

i want to see your profile too!! and all your pix. dating via match.com is hard jeanne. i did it for 3 months before i met dominic (we met via our bike shop). it's HARD work. just try to have fun and i really do hope you meet someone soon. i just talked one of my friends into match.com too. and my other friend ryan found his girl via match.com. the other option is fitnesssingles.com but not a lot of choice i hear.

Anne said...

This is also why Runner Susan is the running community's most pop-ular blogger. She knows that boobs also attract search engines.

Black Knight said...

Troppo forte!!!! (more or less it means "fabolous").
Good luck.

peter said...

Good luck opening door # 2! Cleavage, calves and idle chit-chat is all we males need, eh?

Nora said...

I am a little behind but I totally needed this this morning.

Go you! Go Runner Susan!

Susan said...

This is AWESOME! I am loving it. I will stay tuned. Show those guys what a REAL woman is like!

Jade Lady said...

Ah Jeanne...what a great post. Never give up hope! That guy is out there somewhere! That dating game clip was great - gees..I loved this show when I was a kid. Those hairdo's crack me up!